This is from the message board on the Paradise hotel site! Thanks go to Emma! Enjoy!

Note: I pasted the entire thing from Word, and the formatting didn't stay the same. :-(

Amy rolls the dice and moves the dog to St. James Place. "I'll buy it!" she exclaims, tossing her money to Alex, the banker. Rather than put the money in the bank as he is supposed to, Alex stuffs the wad of fake cash down his pants, then quietly tells Kristin what he's done. "Good." Kristin replies, staring blankly ahead, still entranced by the pretty colors of the board game.

"My turn!" Beau grabs the dice, laughing loudly and looking around the table. He moves his piece to Water Works, which reminds him of Amanda. He tears up a bit before passing the dice to Zack.

"Man, when I'm arrogant like this, things always go my way! I'm a debater! I'm Scottish!" He announces irreverently, adjusting his white sweat band before rolling. He lands on Go to Jail and whines, "Man, I'm sick of hearing that!"

"I'll wait for you, Zack," Amy vows, clutching the tarnished necklace around her neck. Kristin takes her turn, proudly erecting a line of plastic houses on her cheap, sleazy Baltic Avenue, just like Amy and Toni instructed. Next, Keith picks up the dice, rolling snake eyes. He moves his game piece to New York Avenue. Without a word, he hands over his money, indicating that he is buying the property.

"Are you kidding me?" Amy screeches, glaring at Keith, unable to comprehend that he is taking away the property she's been eyeing. Keith shakes his head in response.

"Excuse me?" Toni fumes, eyes bulging like fake breasts in a tube top, "ExCUSE me?" "

What?" Keith defends, "I'm just buying the property! Don't ever yell at me like that!"

"You make me sick!" Amy growls, "I'm gonna make the rest of your game a nightmare!"

Keith shrugs his shoulders and having rolled doubles, gets to roll again. He lands on Marvin Gardens and buys it, completing his monopoly of the yellow properties.

"No way!" Amy grunts, "It's not fair for you to have a monopoly if I can't have one! Put it back!"

"I'm just playing the game!" Keith laments, "I rolled the dice and landed on it! I'm not gonna NOT buy it just so you can win the game!"

"It was our idea to play the game!" Amy shouts, jumping up and waving her arms frantically. "I'll see you on States Avenue with the thimble and the wheelbarrow!" Zack adds. Keith shakes his head in exasperation and hands the dice to Dave. He lands on Chance, pulling the card that reads, "Advance to Boardwalk." He smiles gratefully and moves his piece.

"Don't you dare buy it!" Toni commands, clutching her own Park Place card in her muscular man-hands. She knows that her only chance at a monopoly has been thwarted by Dave's good fortune.

"I would like to buy the property," Dave says calmly, careful not to look Toni in the eye.

"David, if you buy this property, I'll see to it that you lose this game!" Toni threatens, streams of sweat pouring.

"I'm buying it," Dave maintains, sliding his $400 to banker Alex, "I have no other properties. This is my only chance to stay in the game. I need it."

"You make me sick!" Toni snaps, "Monopoly! Game on!"

Following Toni's angry outburst, Dave excuses himself from the table to check on Charla. Dave enters the butterfly room to see Charla and Tara prancing around on their tip-toes with their arms bent in stiff right angles. "We're Barbies!" they giggle, "But these Barbies have brains!"

"Do you need anything, Charla?" Dave asks, "Something to eat, drink, look at, listen to? Anything at all?"

"No!" Charla replies, then turns to Tara, "Let's play 'Wizard of Oz' now!" Dave exits the butterfly room, returning to the Monopoly game.

It's Scott's turn. He lands on FREE PARKING then quietly passes the dice on, trying hard to simultaneous be part of the group, yet not be noticed.

"HA!" Beau's laugh echoes across the Pacific Ocean. "Community Chest!"

Kristin giggles as she stares at the board, "That's my nickname back home!" Alex rolls the dice, passes go, then secretly collects $10,000 for passing GO.

"My turn!" Amy cheers, rolling a three. She begrudgingly moves her dog piece to New York Avenue, owned by Keith.

"Sixteen dollars," Keith mumbles, sensing the impending explosion.

"I'm not paying it," Amy states defiantly, pushing the dice toward Beau.

"You have to pay it!" Keith argues, "Those are the rules of the game."

"I'm not giving you any of my money," Amy refuses.

"It's the rules!" Keith replies, rolling his eyes in exasperation.

"I don't care!" Amy retorts, "You have no right buying properties and charging rent! Zack's in jail. I bet you're happy about that!"

"What are you talking about? It's just a game!" Keith says emphatically, maintaining full composure.

"Oh no!" Zack exclaims mockingly, waving his hands in the air as his cool terrycloth headband cuts off the circulation to his brain, "It's just a game! Don't get mad at me!"

Keith clenches his jaw and sits back in his chair, refusing to participate in the senseless argument. Beau takes his turn, acquiring Short Line railroad and laughing obnoxiously. Zack takes his turn, refusing to pay the required $50 to get out of jail. "I don't need to pay! I've got lawyer in me," he ignorantly justifies, "Have you seen Braveheart? They don't pay to get out of jail." Dave and Keith exchange irritated looks, but say nothing. Zack proceeds around the board, landing on Chance. He draws an orange card. "Go to jail," he reads, "Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200."

"I hope you're happy," Amy inexplicably snaps at Keith. With tension mounting following Zack's seventh trip to jail without passing go or collecting $200, something happens that sends shockwaves through paradise. "I'm bankrupt!" Zack, the most respected guy in television history, moans, "I'm out of the game." Amy shoots a venomous glance at Keith before bursting into tears and clinging to Zack's "ultra-ripped" body. Zack hugs her and professes his "love" for her before exiting the Paradise Hotel game room. Holly, a well-endowed brunette, enters, planting herself immediately on Scott's lap. The two of them quickly fade into the background together.

Next, Beau bankrupts, prompting him to call all the players dirty and cryptically hypothesize that "Maybe we're not playing Monopoly. Maybe Monopoly is playing us!" He then exits, with a peppy heel kick and one last reverberating bellow. A Paradise Hotel waiter brings in a giant hot fudge sundae. Desiree pops out of it and joins the game. Despite her quirky dance moves and incessant sucking up, no one seems to notice she's in the game. In order to gain attention, she repeatedly runs up to Charla's room to gossip. Toni is the next casualty of the game, leaving a sweaty trail behind her as she bitterly departs. Tom arrives with his pal, Smokey, in hand. He amuses the gang by donning a gold dress, talking to Smokey, and acting wackier than Michael Jackson during a full moon, but then he suddenly turns shy and aloof. They lied, they cheated, BOOM - Kristin and Alex are the next two out. As the game progresses, Dave and Keith seem to have control of the board, owning everything from New York Avenue to Boardwalk with dozens of hotels between them. Their astute blend of strategic planning and karmic justice has served them well as they have accumulated various monopolies and massive piles of pastel-colored cash. Just when things couldn't get any better for them, the game room door opens. . .

Proud and noble Scotsman, Zack, rides in on a horse, his jaw squared and his face painted blue. Amy can barely contain her excitement. She runs to him and latches on like a monkey. "This is the best thing that's ever happened in the history of mankind!" she beams joyously. Behind Zack is Andon, covered in a peculiar array of new tattoos and piercings. The line continues as Amanda enters. Before making a mad dash for the butterfly room to find Charla, she tackles Keith in an uninvited embrace. Next, a dark haired, elderly woman enters. No one seems to know who she is. They barely look up from their game long enough to greet her as she saunters over to Scott. Beau and Kristin follow with an odd, newly-formed bond and a vendetta against Mattel. Once again, Amy is overcome with glee, her eyes shining almost as brightly as her T-zone. Toni's next with ultra-feminine braids and delicate workout wear. Matt and Kavita slide in unnoticed and make their way to the butterfly room. Last is Alex. Without warning, they all sit down at the table and are allotted thousands of dollars in cash and random properties and are permitted to rejoin the Monopoly game.

"Are you the king of Monopoly, Dave?" Andon taunts, smiling menacingly. He pulls something from behind his back, "Because I brought you this crown from the Burger King I work at!"

"You're disgusting!" Toni shouts at Dave, waving her hands in his face. A lone bead of sweat flies from her bulky arms and hits Andon in the shoulder. His super-tough manly tattoo begins to run down his arm.

"It's nice to have you back, Toni," Dave replies wryly.

Alex - the boy who cheated at Casino night, got ditched for Beau, wore women's underwear on national TV, made out with Toni, and got played by Tara - slides in beside Dave - the man who participated in one of the best upsets in reality TV history - and quips, "Your ears are big."

Meanwhile, in the corner, the unfamiliar old lady is fawning over Scott. "Don't worry, Holly," she says as she showers Scott with kisses, "Scott and I are just friends. If we get drunk, go into a dark bedroom, and lock the door behind us, don't get jealous."

"Okay!" Holly smiles and nods enthusiastically. Back at the Monopoly table, insults are flying wildly. But the fun is just beginning. . .

"Charla's always in my ear!" Desiree whines in a desperate attempt for attention and acceptance, "Every time I voluntarily go to her room, sit down next to her, and gossip about the game, all I hear is her voice!"

"But this is NOT just a game!" Amy declares, "Monopoly is a matter of life and death. The whole universe revolves around what happens here. When Zack left, my world ended. Now that he's back, I can be reborn!"

"That's right," Toni agrees, on the verge of tears, "Although I've only known them for a month, Kristin, Andon, Amy, Zack, Beau, Alex, and Scott are the best friends I've ever had in my entire life. I'll never be this close to anyone ever again . . . at least not until I make it on Survivor."

"Aww," Amy swoons, jumping Toni for an impromptu bear hug.

"As for you two," Toni's disposition immediately becomes vicious as she lays her pulsating eyes upon Keith and Dave, "I hope I never see you again."

"We're such good people," Amy sighs, throwing her arms around Zack. Once again, Keith and Dave exchange incredulous glances, but say nothing. Back in the butterfly room, Charla, Tara, Kavita, Matt, and Amanda are discussing their lives.

"After graduating at the top of my class from Yale, I moved to California to get my masters degree in quantum physics," Tara reveals, "But then I was discovered by a talent agent, so I put all of my dreams on hold to be on this show. It's been fun, but I just can't wait to get back to the exciting and dynamic world of physics!"

"Your story is so similar to mine!" Charla says as she brushes her hair, "After acquiring a degree in political science at the age of eighteen, I decided to try my luck in the entertainment industry before running for governor of Minnesota."

"Wow!" Kavita smiles in amazement, "You guys are totally inspiring!"

"I'm so glad I put the moves on you," Matt tells Charla as he gazes into her eyes, "Our time together in paradise was amazing." With that, Matt leaves the room and finds an empty lounge chair by the pool. Out of nowhere, the "Summer Nights" music from the film 'Grease' begins to play and Matt begins to sing. . .

"Paradise lovin' had me a blast. . ."

Inside her room, Charla begins to sing, "Paradise lovin' happened so fast."

Matt: "I met a girl, crazy for me."

Charla: "I met a boy, cute as can be!"

Both: "Paradise days, driftin' away, to oh-oh those paradise nights!"

Suddenly, Beau, Alex, Andon, Scott, Zack, Tom, Keith, Dave, and Toni gather around Matt and sing, "Tell me more, tell me more. Did you get in her pants?"

In Charla's room, Amanda, Tara, and Kavita sing, suddenly wearing pink jackets, "Tell me more, tell me more. Like, would he give us a chance?" The song continues, featuring strangely choreographed dance moves that all hotel guests seem to already know and perform in unison.

Matt: "We had lunch on the promenade!"

Charla: "He got me drunk with spiked lemonade!"

Matt: "We made out after Pandora's box!"

Charla: "I stayed up past ten o'clock!"

Both: "Paradise fling don't mean a thing, but oh-oh those paradise nights!"

Amanda, Tara, & Kavita: "Tell me more, tell me more. Is he a Texas hick?"

Beau, Alex, Andon, Scott, Zack, Tom, Keith, Dave, & Toni: "Tell me more, tell me more. Does she really kiss chicks?" (music slows down)

Charla: "Toni picked Beau, that's where it ends."

Matt: "So I told her, we'd still be friends."

Charla: "Then we made our one night stand vow."

Matt: "Wonder who she's doing now?"

Both: "Paradise dreams ripped at the seams, but oh . . . those paradise nights. . ."

All guests: "Tell me more, tell me more. . ."

The song ends and everyone returns to the Monopoly game where Amy is bragging about her lifetime accomplishments. "I got employee of the month three times at Chuck E. Cheese!" she beams, "I was a human pizza! Then, when I was nineteen, I got my GED through one of those train at home mail correspondence programs. One day I hope to go to New Zealand and find the Loch Ness monster!"

"Wow! You've had an amazing life, Amy!" says Zack.

"Whose turn is it?" Toni asks.

"It's my turn," Keith speaks up calmly.

"Nobody asked you!" Amy shouts.

"Toni just asked whose turn it was," Keith replies, becoming increasingly exasperated.

"No she didn't!" Amy scoffs, "I didn't hear her."

"She's sitting right next to you!" Keith exclaims, pointing at Toni.

"Don't ever point your finger at me," Toni growls as she shakes her finger in Keith's face.

"You're pointing your finger at me!" Keith protests in disbelief.

"Dude," Zack chimes in with his mouth full of food, "You're just jealous 'cause I'm way more ripped than you are."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Keith challenges.

"You don't deserve to be here!" Amy jabs bitterly.

"Can we please just continue the game?" Dave gently requests.

"Man, don't even start with me, Dave," Zack rants, food dribbling from his mouth, "You're jealous of me, too, 'cause I've got a insecure, hypocritical, immature, tomboy who loves me and you don't."

"Wow, Zack, you're so romantic!" Amy swoons.

"Guys, let's just play Monopoly," Beau interrupts at full volume, "I'm back and my job is to team up with the people that kicked me out and get Dave and Keith out of the game." By now, Keith and Dave's stronghold has weakened with Beau invading their side of the board. Will they maintain control? Will they win the game? Will good conquer evil? Keith rolls the dice and moves his piece through the treacherous row of pale blue properties that are owned by Beau. Luckily, he makes it past them to the 'Just Visiting' square next to Zack's cell block.

Next is Dave's turn. He stares intently at the game board for a moment.

"What are you doing, Dave?" Beau asks accusingly.

"I'm just thinking about whether or not I want to add hotels to any of my properties," Dave responds amiably as he concentrates on the board.

"Wait a minute!" Beau protests brashly, "You can't do that. It's not right for you to think thoughts in your head where no one can hear them!"

"Yeah, Dave!" Andon jumps in irritably, "You can't think behind peoples' backs."

"That's being shady," Amy adds bitterly. Dave pauses for a moment, bewildered by the bizarre accusations. Using his mature judgment, he opts to ignore the crazy comments and proceed with his turn. He purchases a hotel for North Carolina Avenue. "Why are there hotels and houses, but no trailers?" Amy wonders aloud, feeling homesick. Dave passes the dice to Scott, and then runs off to fetch Charla a bowl of ice cream.

Scott innocuously lands on FREE PARKING yet again, saving him from any confrontations with the other players. He adjusts his sunglasses and goes back to his two raven-haired admirers.

"Let's go swimming, Scott!" Holly suggests, hoping to pry him away from the other woman competing for his affection.

"I'm in the middle of a game," he protests as he focuses his attention on his other woman, "Maybe later, Molly."

"My name is Holly!" she pouts, stomping off to her room in a fit of jealousy.

Toni takes her turn, landing on Community Chest. Kristin giggles incessantly. "You have won second prize in a beauty contest," Toni reads the card aloud, "Collect ten dollars." Banker Alex hands her ten dollars, then vomits into the pool.

Dave returns to the table only to hear Andon's acerbic voice, "Why don't you stop running errands for Miss Charla and concentrate on the game?"

"I think I'm managing both tasks quite effectively," Dave shoots back staunchly.

"Well, you're just the man with the plan, aren't you, Dave?" Andon retorts.

"It would seem that way," Dave nods, his voice calm and unwavering.

"Well, I've got news for you, Dave," Andon continues, his squinty eyes smiling, "If you land on my railroad, I'm gonna make you pay."

"That would be how the game is played," Dave comments rationally.

"Just so you know," Andon adds bluntly, "I don't like you." Andon then rolls and lands himself on Boardwalk. Dave informs him that the rent is $2000. "We're friends, Dave," Andon protests with a demonic smile, "Don't we have a deal? I won't charge you if you land on B&O Railroad, you'll let me slide on Boardwalk."

"We're not friends," Dave interjects sharply; "You just told me you were going to make me pay and then you said that you don't like me."

"I think you misunderstood. . ." Andon stammers.

"I think I didn't," Dave argues, keeping his eyes focused on the game board, "That will be two thousand dollars, Andon." Andon begrudgingly pays, and then hands the dice to Tom, who insists on letting Smokey roll the dice. Tom lands on Chance and receives the card that entitles him to a bank dividend of $50. He makes everyone give Smokey a high five.

The lines have been clearly drawn. Zack, Amy, Toni, Alex, Beau, Kristin, Andon, Tom, and Desiree own all of the low rent, slummy properties from Mediterranean to St. James, while Dave and Keith, with the absentee support of Tara, Charla, Kavita, Matt, and Amanda, own all of the coveted glitzy spots from New York to Boardwalk. Meanwhile, Scott and his twins repeatedly circle the board landing on safe spots like FREE PARKING, Chance, Community Chest, and GO. It's anybody's game, depending on how the dice fall. . .

Alex takes his turn, landing on Luxury Tax. Instead of paying $75, he takes $7500 from the bank. Then, Amy rolls, moving her piece to Ventnor Avenue. Keith informs her that it's his property and she has to pay him. Once again, Amy begins her descent into irrationality. She puts her hands over her ears, closes her eyes, and repeatedly screams, "I can't hear you! I'm not paying! Na na na na na!"

"Why are you even playing if you're not going to follow the rules?" Keith asks.

"I'm not listening!" she continues to cover her ears and hum loudly.

"I can't believe this," Keith mutters under his breath, his patience clearly running thin, "This is ridiculous!"

"Shut up, Keith," Zack barks, "You run your mouth like that in the real world, and I'd smack it off."

"I'm not even talking to you," Keith shakes his head and clenches his jaw.

"Whatever, dude," Zack scoffs, turning his hat to the side, "I can't help it if you're shady."

Dave suddenly receives word that Charla has had an upsetting epiphany. He rushes to her side. "I feel like we're the Teletubbies, stuck in some really weird meadow," Charla recounts dreamily, "You're Tinky-Winky, Keith is Dipsy, Tara's Laa-Laa, and I'm Po. The others are those creepy huge bunnies that run around Teletubbyland and get in our way. And Amanda, the host, is that baby in the sun that watches over us."

"That's fascinating!" Dave tells her supportively.

"It's amazing how clear you can see the insides of your eyelids when you're crazy," Charla adds.

Moments later, all of the guests are gathered around the game room when a cleanly dressed hotel staff member brings in a tray with an envelope on it. He serves the tray to Desiree, but Amy greedily swoops in and snatches the envelope, as though it was a giant Kit Kat bar. "You are cordially invited to a Paradise Hoedown tonight in the 'Grand Saloon'! Be sure to dress appropriately in your finest country duds," she reads. Everyone scatters to get ready. The Monopoly game is temporarily put on hold. Charla and Tara scurry to the butterfly room to create ensembles based on the fashion of Cowgirl Barbie.

Zack smugly announces, "Man, this is gonna be great. I'm a country boy!" The gang reconvenes in the 'Grand Saloon' later that evening. As everyone snacks on sweet tea, grits, okra, and country fried steak, Scott dose-dohs between Holly and Melanie. Suddenly, the doors swing open. Zack and Beau are standing there in perfect country boy garb. Amy stands between them in tiny cut-off shorts and a gingham shirt tied up to reveal her ample midriff. Toni steps up behind them in an all white suit and cowboy hat. The 'Dukes of Hazard' music begins playing in the background as the Dukes and Boss Hog enter. . .

Just the dumb ol' boys, Dullest tools on the farm, Beats all you never saw, been a menace to us all, since the day they were born Makin' their threats, Pitchin' their fits, Someday the Barbies might get 'em, we all hope that they will Makin' their way The only way they know how, That's just a little bit less than common sense will allow Just the dumb ol' boys, Wouldn't change, but they should, Whinin' and bitchin' like a true, modern day Napoleon.

"I wanna roast a pig!" Amy declares. The others gasp at this horrifying admission of cannibalism. Scott and Melanie start making out like first cousins at a Kentucky family reunion. Holly stomps off grumpily as she defensively explains how NOT jealous she is. Desiree, in her signature cowboy hat, dances around wildly with Tom and his leather-chap clad monkey. Kristin circles the room, making out with every guy along the way. Then, the unthinkable happens. Kristin makes her way toward Tom.

Desiree immediately steps in. "You'd better leave my man alone!"

"Get out of my way!" Kristin responds dimly, "Before you got here, I was the dirty-dancing, big breasted, lap-dog, airhead."

"Oh, please," Desiree rolls her big eyes, "That's retarded."

"I don't like that word," Dave steps in, wearing a straw hat and overalls, "Please don't say it."

"Who are you, my father?" Desiree snaps at Dave,"Don't tell me what I can and cannot say."

"Well, don't tell me not to tell you what you can and cannot say," Dave rebuts.

"No, you don't tell me not to tell you not to tell me what I can and cannot say!" Desiree responds, "I don't wanna hear it."

Dave shakes his head and voluntarily leaves the pointless argument. In all the excitement of the redneck festivities, Amy excitedly dives head first into the shallow end of the pool, resulting in a self-proclaimed "abrasion". Zack, now claiming to be a doctor, examines her injury. She spends the rest of the night with a six pound bag of ice on her cracked and corroded cranium, but the hotel staff works for weeks repairing the damage to the pool. After quite a bit of square dancing and moonshine chugging, the Paradise Hoedown comes to an end.

When we left our story, all of the booted guests had briefly returned to the Monopoly game for no apparent reason other than to act like cranky first graders on a sugar high. In other news, Dana and Justin were let back into the Big Brother house, Bill Clinton was re-elected president, Clay Aiken was bestowed all of the perks of an American Idol, and Tonya Harding was presented with a gold medal. As quickly as they had arrived, Zack, Alex, Andon, Matt, Toni, Kristin, Amanda, and Kavita are banished from paradise forever . . . again, leaving Beau and Melanie to do their dirty work.

"The annoying one's back!" Beau announces as he burns all of his shirts so he can be eternally bare-chested on television, "But I'm not bitter. I just want to see certain people lose this game!"

Keith takes his turn, moving the shoe piece - since he is, after all, an alleged shoe model - to Oriental Avenue.

"That'll be $8000, Keith!" Beau's nasal voice pipes up.

"It's not $8000!" Keith argues, his eyes clouded with disbelief, "You don't even have any houses or anything! It's, like ten or twelve dollars at most.

"Sorry, but when you play dirty, you've gotta pay," Beau shrugs stubbornly.

"I haven't played dirty! I've played the game according to the rules!" Keith protests, "You're just making stuff up!"

"C'mon, Keith!" Beau irks deafeningly, "You went around the board, bought all these properties, and then you went and put houses and hotels everywhere."

"That's how you play!" wails Keith, "When we all sat down here to play, we knew that we'd be buying stuff. . ."

"But you charged us rent every single time we landed on it," Beau interrupts.

"Of course I did, that's what you're supposed to do!" Keith shakes his head.

"But you didn't tell us first," Beau states as he sits back arrogantly.

"What are you talking about? When you play the game, you know it's gonna happen! I shouldn't have to tell you. You should just know that when you roll the dice, there's a risk that you might have to pay."

"That's shady," Amy barks.

"How is it shady when that's how the game is played? What am I supposed to do? Not charge rent? Not buy properties?"

"That's what I've been doing," Amy snidely replies, "I'm not gonna screw any of my friends over unless they screw me over first."

"Maybe that's why you're losing the game," Keith says, almost on the brink of losing his temper.

"Well at least I haven't been shady," Amy grunts, "And now that my friends are back, we'll see who loses."

"Okay," Keith challenges, "We'll see."

"We WILL see," Amy insists, intent on having the last word, no matter how pointless the word might be.

Just let it go," Dave quietly advises Keith.

During a break in the game, while Charla, Keith, Dave, and Tara are having deep and meaningful discussions about life, Beau, Amy, Melanie, and Desiree strategize as they roll around on Amy's unlaundered bed.

"Maybe we should read the rules and try to follow them," Melanie suggests.

"No way," Amy refuses, "If we follow the rules, we're stooping to their level. I just can't do that."

"Me neither," Desiree quickly agrees, "I can't stand being smart and reasonable."

"But they seem to be winning," Melanie points out wistfully.

"No," Amy whines, "If they play the game, follow the rules, and win, they're losers. We're the real winners."

"Yeah," Beau shouts, "There's twelve of us and only three of them!"

"No," Melanie cuts in, "There's seven of us and four of them."

Beau becomes pensive as he begins counting on his fingers, unable to process the large numbers in his head. The Monopoly game gets back underway. Tom, barely hanging in, holds the 'Get out of jail free' card. Tara and Desiree, both in jail, beg mercilessly for him to give them the coveted card. After a moment of thought, and weeks of silence, Tom makes a poignant announcement, declaring that he is clairvoyant, and has visions of the person in jail receiving mysterious power, so he gives the card to Tara, leaving Desiree alone in jail awaiting the impending power. Everyone sits, reveling in their own blend of anticipation, confusion, and fear. It's still anyone's game, but one thing is clear . . . someone will be leaving the Paradise Hotel game room tonight. . .

The Monopoly game enters its home stretch as the final eleven players rabidly resume the capitalist battle, so eloquently labeled as "good vs. evil". Swami Keith goes into a trance, solemnly predicting that something weird would soon take place. Scott reveals his profound philosophy, that the game is not actually reality. Charla and Pocahontas partake in a Twix toast. As the dice roll and the money flies, Dave sketches a graph, mapping out all possible moves and countermoves of the game, and then quickly formulates a spreadsheet to determine his most prudent strategy. He stops short of enlisting a team of strategic consultants, commenting, "I don't like over-thinking stuff."

Melanie becomes visibly upset when she realizes her pact to merge properties with Scott is beyond reproach because it has been overridden by his new pact with Holly.

"You should've pinky swore," Charla tells her regretfully as she evaluates her and Dave's properties, "Hotels and houses and dice, oh my!"

The mood becomes tense, prompting Amy suddenly realize that she or one of her good friends may soon be forced out of the game. The intensity of the situation almost causes her to drop her tub of guacamole.

"I would never backstab my friends," she cries, shedding tears for the souls of all friends, past and present. She then delves into a needlessly dramatic soliloquy, imparting her unwavering devotion to those she inexplicably holds in such a dear and reverent light. Her words are so touching and melodramatic, they will forever be dubbed, 'The Paradise Hotel Address'.

"Four hours and eleven weeks ago, a group brought forth on this hotel, a new reality show, a new paradise, conceived in stupidity, and dedicated to the proposition that all originals, except Charla, are created equal." She pauses to lick the candy bar residue off Charla's fingers, then returns to the speech, her voice heaving with conviction. "Now we are engaged in a great game of Monopoly, testing whether my alliance, or any alliance so conceived, and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great game board of that competition. I have come to sacrifice myself, as a shining example of human decency, that my friends might win. . ."

Before Amy's bizarre and senseless martyr imitation is complete, Melanie and Desiree are promptly ousted from the game. In another shallow ode to her friends of yester week, Amy falls into a state of mourning with DumBeau and Tom at her side. "Desiree was such a good person," she sobs, cloaked in all black.

"I'll always remember her for her extreme rudeness," Tom smiles fondly.

"I only wish I had spent more time with her," DumBeau sighs regretfully as a lone tear streams down his face.

"Don't worry," Tom consoles, his chin quivering, "I'm sure she's watching over us. She's in a better place."

"It just seems like good people always go," DumBeau whimpers.

With that tearful comment, the three blubbering fools reminisce about those upstanding individuals. . . They remember the time Zack declared he was too good for Amy - the time he hid in Charla's closet after making out with her - the time he threatened Keith - the time he declared his mistrust of DumBeau - what a guy! They remember all of the times Toni morphed into a raging psycho and unleashed countless unwarranted personal attacks and initiated many sweaty confrontations - what an angel! They remember when Alex attempted to steal DumBeau's girl, then later masterminded DumBeau's ejection from the game by way of lying, cheating, and stealing - what integrity! They remember when Desiree joined the Barbie group to vote off Alex and then wormed her way into the Originals by exhibiting her bad attitude and third grade vocabulary - what class!

"It's always the good people that leave," Amy agrees miserably, "Always."

Alas, which of the "good people" will be next? Will it be jealous and jaded Holly, who made out with Alex and then slept with Scott? Will it be two-faced, trash-talking Tom, who forged a fake friendship with Dave, and then moments later affirmed his allegiance to Amy? Or, in a shocking twist, will one of the "bad people" go? Will it be Charla, who, despite her kind and demure nature, was instantly alienated from the group and repeatedly mocked by Amy and the gang? Will it be Dave, whose persistent honesty and favorable gaming skills put him in control for so long? One can only imagine what twists and turns lie ahead. . .

So far in the game, alliances have been formed, friendships have been forged, and enemies have been forestalled. It's now Dave, Charla, Keith, and Tara against Amy, Beau, Scott, Holly, and Tom. The game is slow, but the stakes are high.

Scott drops into thinker pose and makes the astounding statement, "Someone will lose this game."

"I can't stand it!" Amy squawks as she downs a box of cornflakes, two ears of corn, a box of chocolates, twenty-two pickles, and a few Chance cards, "Being with people I hate makes me sick!"

"Maybe it's all of that nasty food you're eating," Keith points out.

"I don't care," Amy argues as she munches on a Frisbee, "When I'm happy, I'm happy, and when I'm mad, I'm mad. When I'm hungry, I'm hungry, and when I'm full . . . actually, I'm never full."

Scott slumps in his seat and seethes behind his sunglasses, wishing he had said those deep, thought provoking words.

"I really like the circus," Charla sighs.

"Uh . . . I'll be right back!" Dave scurries from the table. Tom, whose property values have plummeted since Desiree's departure, glumly wonders who will be the next player to bankrupt and leave the game.

Scott pulls out an Honest Abe hat and paste-on beard and openly admits, "I'm not going to lie to you. I don't want to leave." Shocked at the admission that someone would want to actually play and win the game they signed up for; everyone at the table becomes ominously quiet.

Suddenly, Dave returns with four elephants, a bearded lady (aka Toni), eight clowns on unicycles, a trapeze artist, and an armload of cotton candy.

"What is this crap?" Charla asks.

"You said you liked the circus," Dave explains, "So I brought you one."

"Oh," she yawns disinterestedly and mumbles as Amy grabs for the cotton candy, "Thanks, Dave."

A member of the hotel staff brings in a Magic 8-ball. The guests are clamoring to use it.

"Let's all ask it how this game of Monopoly will affect our lives!" Keith suggests enthusiastically.

Holly shakes the ball and reads her response aloud, "Scott doesn't like you. Forget him and pursue a life in politics. Bill Clinton needs a new intern."

Tara's response reads, "You're in love with Keith. Hook up already before horny Holly gets to him."

Next is Amy, "You're an immature brat. As soon as you leave this game, get a dermatologist, a nutritionist, and a restraining order against Zack."

Charla's turn is next. Dave shakes the Magic 8-ball for her and reads her fortune, "You are better than these people. Don't worry, karma's a bigger b!tch than Amy, Toni, and Kristin combined, and it will get all three of them in the end."

Finally, it's Keith's turn. "You will win the game."

As soon as they return to the game, Tom bankrupts. He's out of the game.

"Give me the dice!" Beau's over-amplified voice demands, "It's my turn!" Everything begins moving in slow motion. Beau shakes the dice as he laughs boisterously. He throws them down. The dice tumble across the board, skidding past the stack of yellow Community Chest cards. Finally, they land just left of the center of the board. One dice a one, one dice a three. Beau slowly moves his cannon four spaces from Short Line Railroad to Boardwalk. He wordlessly looks up at Dave.

"I really hate this," Dave says dejectedly, "I really hate this." The $2000 rent is more than Beau and all of his mortgaged properties can afford. With an irrational assortment of bitter words, bankrupt Beau is banished from the Paradise Hotel game room forever . . . again.

Deleted scene from Paradise Hotel. . . Upon the inconceivably toxic return of the booted guests, the bratty sextet of Toni, Amy, Holly, Melanie, Desiree, and Kristin retreat to the bird room for some late night bonding. Of course, they begin to gossip about their bitter rival, whom they resentfully dub 'Charla Barbie'. "She's so boring," Amy laments as she pushes her stringy hair from her eyes. "I bet she's only slept with, like, thirty people," Kristin adds dimly, "What a goody-goody." "She probably runs off to her room to talk about us," Amy growls, "I can't stand when people gossip." "Me neither," Desiree and Holly say in unison, jumping eagerly on the bandwagon. "She thinks she's little Miss Perfect," Toni mumbles harshly, "A perfect little Barbie girl."

Deleted scene from Paradise Hotel Monopoly game. . . Upon the inconceivably toxic return of the booted guests, the bratty sextet of Toni, Amy, Holly, Melanie, Desiree, and Kristin retreat to the bird room for some late night bonding. Of course, they begin to gossip about their bitter rival, whom they resentfully dub 'Charla Barbie'. "She's so boring," Amy laments as she pushes her stringy hair from her eyes. "I bet she's only slept with, like, thirty people," Kristin adds dimly, "What a goody-goody." "She probably runs off to her room to talk about us," Amy growls, "I can't stand when people gossip." "Me neither," Desiree and Holly say in unison, jumping eagerly on the bandwagon. "She thinks she's little Miss Perfect," Toni mumbles harshly, "A perfect little Barbie girl." Suddenly, another catchy, quirky Grease tune begins to play. Toni stands on the bed, turns to the other girls with a big, devilish smile and extra wide eyes, and begins to sing as sweat pours. . . "Look at me; I'm Charla B, shady with my strategy Must go to bed, and I never get fed I can't, I'm Charla B! Watch it, hey I'm Princess Grace. I was not brought up that way, Won't come across, even Prince Rainer lost his heart to Princess Grace. I don't cheat, pinky swear, I just brush my hair, I get ill around Toni's sweat. Keep Tom's monkey's paws off my silky drawers. Amy needs a flea dip at the vet. As for you, Beau, Zack, and crew, I know what you wanna do, You got your crust; I'm no object of lust, I'm just plain Charla B! David! David! Let me be! Keep those man boobs far from me! Just keep your cool, now you're starting to drool. Hey, fungu, I'm Charla B. . ."

After gallantly witnessing the ousting Melanie, securing her pact with bed mate Scott, and getting a stellar prediction from the magic 8-ball, Holly's head has gotten bigger than the collective breasts, past and present, of paradise. Determined to fulfill her destiny of a life in politics, she decides to declare herself mayor of the purple properties as a full-fledged member of the Hypocrite Party. As Mayor Holly tackles the beautification of Baltic Avenue, Scott continues to ride the rails and cash in on free parking with his undeclared and wavering gaming affiliation, inconsistence, and needless paranoia.

"You wanted me to land on your property, didn't you?" he asks Dave, "You wanted me to have to pay rent!"

"If it means that I will win the game, yes," Dave discloses honestly.

"Oh," Keith jumps in incredulously, "I guess you'd charge me rent, too."

"If it came down to it, I guess I would have to," Dave admits, "Strategically speaking."

"Who would you rather charge rent?" Keith demands, "Me or Scott?"

"I suppose I would have to determine that with a round of eeny-meeny-miney-mo or one potato, two potato . . . or we could flip a coin!" Dave replies.

"No fair!" Keith stomps, sticking out his lower lip and folding his arms across his chest.

"Zack would make a totally great president," Amy remarks out of nowhere, fingering the green ring around her neck, "He's so totally smart. You know, he's got lawyer, doctor, brick mason, bag boy, farm hand, telemarketer, private investigator, TV repair man, and politician in him."

"We know," Keith mutters inaudibly, "But what he really needs is psychiatrist in him,"

Dave takes his turn, landing on Virginia Avenue, a property Amy recently mortgaged in order to stay in the game.

"That's mine, Dave!" she screeches, "Pay the rent."

"Actually, Amy," Dave articulates peacefully, "Since that property is mortgaged, you can't charge rent on it. Technically, you don't own it."

"Don't turn this around on me!" Amy's voice reaches an almost violent pitch.

"I'm not," Dave forges, "I'm just telling you that I don't have to pay rent on mortgaged property."

"That's so shady," Amy seethes for the billionth time, "I've been in this game from the very beginning, and I haven't been shady at all. You're shady. Everybody knows that you're shady. I'm not shady and everybody loves me."

"But, that's not what we're even talking about. . ." Dave says, confused by Amy's broken logic.

"I'm not paying," she huffs stubbornly.

"No one's asking you to pay," Dave reminds her.

"I never said anyone was asking me to pay," Amy raises her eyebrows and squares her jaw, concentrating on arranging the plastic houses to read I LUV ZAK.

"I apologize, but I'm not sure I understand," Dave tells her, trying hard to accommodate the insanity and somehow diffuse Amy's time bomb anger.

"I got my point across. That's all I'm sayin'," Amy declares crossly.

The ever-present tension of the game has taken a toll on the players. They sit, reveling in their own misery and self-pity. Suddenly, Sally Struthers appears on site, jumps in front of a camera, and begins to sob, pleading for the viewers of America to help the unfortunate souls of paradise:

"This is Amy. She's been in paradise for three months. She eats only eleven meals a day, and can't even muster enough strength to shower. "This is Charla. Throughout her life, she's been plagued with the disease of beauty, her intelligence and personality completely overlooked. "These poor people are stuck here in paradise. They have to endure beautiful weather, full maid and laundry service, fine catering, and the chance of winning an undisclosed prize of massive proportions. Those of us in the real world cannot begin to understand their suffering, but we can begin to make a difference in their lives. Just look at their faces. How can you turn away from such unabashed egocentricity and blatant apathy? Would you please make a contribution? Send these poor souls some perspective. Do it today. Won't you please help?" Ms. Struthers then exits, and we return to the Monopoly game already in progress. . .

Realizing that she's teetering on the brink of bankruptcy with all properties mortgaged, Amy takes the dice. With Keith and Dave's impenetrable block of hotels ahead, she knows her demise is imminent. She moves onto Keith's properties for the official game over declaration.

"Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-That's all folks!" Amy sputters as she jubilantly makes an uncharacteristically graceful exit down the infamous Walk of Shame.

The game, now entering its thirteenth week, has come down to five crafty players and a blow up doll named Holly. Strategic merges have been formed - Charla with Dave, Tara with Keith, and Holly with Scott. Keith dominates the board, knowing he will have the power to eliminate one of the other two teams. The competition to stay in the game is fierce.

"I really wasn't going to charge you rent," Dave tells Keith as they take a break by the monkey bars, "I was just saying that."

"Okay, cool," Keith grins as he and Dave do a secret handshake and then skip to the hotel bar for a milkshake.

After leaving the bar, Keith returns to his room to find a note taped to the door. He unfolds the "Cool Water" scented 'Saved by the Bell' stationery and reads:

To: Keith, Dave has cooties. From: Scott

Keith tells Tara, Tara tells Charla, and Charla tells Dave about the note. Dave immediately informs Scott that he's going to tell on him, and then hurries to Keith's room to sing him a friendship song he wrote. Later, Scott sneaks up on Dave and gives him an atomic wedgie. Naturally, Dave retaliates with an assortment of "your momma" jokes.

"You're a big baby," Scott shouts at Dave.

"I know you are, but what am I?" Dave retorts.

"You're stupid," Scott persists.

"I'm rubber, you're glue - whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!" Dave snaps triumphantly.

"Stop fighting, guys," Keith speaks up, "I've made my decision . . . I know what must be done."